Jacksonville (I've run out of puns and catchy alliterative titles)

In Jacksonville, I stayed with April, John, 6 of their 8 children (oldest 2 are off at college), and John's mother Debbie, who leads multiple pilgrimages to Medjugorje every year.

John’s originally from Seattle, while April grew up in Louisville. They met in college at Franciscan University of Steubenville in southeast Ohio. John was pre-med undergrad, while April studied theology. After college there were stops in Seattle (where John dabbled in pharmaceutical sales) then South Bend (where April worked for the diocese while John went to law school) before they landed in Orlando around 20 years ago (where John began clerking for a judge). 

Initially they they thought Florida would be a pit stop before a move out to Denver and the mountains, but they ended up falling in love with Florida and have found a home they can’t imagine leaving in on the banks of the St John River in Jacksonville.  

Sunset on the St. John's River

April and John have built a beautiful house on the the banks of the St. John River, which John let me know is one of the few major rivers in the US that flows predominantly north. The section of the St. John they are on is brackish, and James and Johnny (2 of their sons) let me know that they regularly see dolphins and small sharks in it, but not gators (due to the salinity). Across the river from them is a large naval lase that's home to many aircraft. A military helicopter flew low over my head while I went for a morning kayak on the river, and April told me that their general contractor lost a drone to military interference while taking photos of the roof when their home was being built.  

With 8 kids who are all very involved in sports and extracurricular activities, life can get pretty busy, but April and John still make time for family bonding and reflection with nightly family dinner and a family rosary before bed.  

On the topic of reflection, April posed a question that’s been percolating in my mind since that I thought would be worth sharing with a broader audience. I don’t remember her exact phrasing, but I believe the general sentiment was along these lines: What is the right balance of preparing for the future versus focusing on living in the present? Society  expects many things of us (this is especially true of parents and others who have dependents that are heavily impacted by their choices). There’s a pressure to control as much as we can and do everything possible to set ourselves (or our kids) up for a bright future. At odds with this is an internal desire many of us feel to abandon the busyness and rat race of modern life, to let go of control/plans for the future, and instead pursue an untethered life of meaning and adventure in the present moment. Obviously, some level of preparation for the future is prudent, but at what point does it take away from our life in the present. Conversely, while we may find increased freedom as we focus more on the present at the expense of the future, at what point does it become irresponsible. Where is the balance? 

In many ways, that question was at the heart of my decision to undertake this odyssey. In the moment, I didn’t have a complete answer — and I doubt that I ever will. But the more I've reflected, I've realized I have found kernels of an answer in the last 9 months, and it felt like a beneficial exercise in introspection to attempt to formulate a semblance of an answer. Below are my current thoughts - shared as bullet points as they are incomplete and I’m not quite sure yet how they all connect. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments — maybe there’s some insight to be found in each others experience. 

1. We place undo stock in others' expectations for us. For so much of my life, I felt an obligation to achieve the goals other people and society as a whole set before me, believing that I'd be letting other people down or failing to live up to my potential if I didn't. I chased material success and financial security and got more of it in a short time than I ever imagined I would. But the more I got, the more empty I felt - the more I realized that this pursuit was sucking life out of me rather than making my life richer. Since quitting my job and taking a leap to defy others' expectations for my life, not only have I found that I feel more alive, but I've also found that almost no one is disappointed that I'm not fulfilling their expectations. On the contrary, I've seen so many people inspired to defy society's expectations and seek more out of their own life. I think that choosing to reject the idea that we should pursue success/security/comfort -- and the notion that not pursuing these things is a failure to live up to our potentia -- is an important step towards living a meaningful, fulfilling life. 

2. The fear of "missing your opportunity" is a liar. Growing up, it often felt like I was presented with a series coveted opportunities (e.g. "gifted" classes in grade school, getting into an "elite" university, getting a lucrative job offer with high growth potential, grad school paid for my my employer, etc.). Even though these things were not necessarily my dreams, I felt like I'd have been a fool to not "make the most of them" - that if I passed on any of them, I'd be throwing away my golden ticket, missing my only/best shot - that I'd later regret missing out on them. While I've found this worry keeps reappearing in different aspects of life (career, relationships, travel, etc.), it can be countered. Looking back at my own life, I've realized that another opportunity always comes along. Further, I've even found that I likely missed some far more exciting opportunities because I had my head down/tunnel vision being so focused on the opportunity/path in front of me. Once we begin to unmask the lies of the fear of missed opportunity, we can more fully appreciate all the opportunities of life without feeling pressure to make the "right choice."

3. There are seasons to life and a peace that comes from accepting that. At some points we will have more responsibilities that tie us down, at others we will have more freedom to explore/experience the world around us. On this motorcycle odyssey, there have been times I've felt aimless, lacking a sense of purpose. I've found that a sense of purpose - a mission (like I had when I was working at camp last summer) makes life much richer. But when our goals prevent us from living in the present moment or being open to a change in course, then they become something that stifles life within us rather than enriching it. It can be hard to balance a strong sense of purpose with an openness to the possibilities, to know when it's time to change seasons. I think if we commit to living in the present moment, embrace silence/reflection, and cultivate communion with God then we will be more able to realize when its time to change seasons and more ready to embrace opportunities outside of our expectations. 

4. While we should strive to live in the present, it can be a useful exercise to occasionally jump far ahead and take a look back on our lives from the distant future. In 10, 20, 50 years from now, if I continue on the path I'm on, will I be e satisfied with how I spent my life? If the answer is no, we need to begin making changes now. By keeping a vague idea of the type of life we desire to live/the person we want to become always before us, we can ensure the decisions we make in the present help us to grow into that person. 

5. Discipline and routine are good things, so long as we don't ecome slaves to them. Discipline and routine help us make the most of our limited time, and critically, can help us set aside the time we need for reflection and renewal. Lack of structure since I quit my job has caused me to waste so much time, miss so many opportunities, and frequently fail to make time to reflect. That said, the opposite has also happened, when I've become so tied to the plans/timelines I've made that I've missed out on unexpected opportunities. Many of the best moments on this trip (e.g. working at camp, going to Argentina, spending more time in cool places with incredible people than I originally planned for) have only happened when I let go of my plans, but even those moments were at their best when I approached them with discipline, carving out the time for reflection and a healthy routine. 

6. There is always room to live more intentionally, more adventurously, and more differently. You don't have to turn your life upsidedown like I did to accomplish this. In many ways, it is more valuable to make small changes - to live your current vocation in an intentional way. It may sound counterintuitive, but since I've always struggled to make small changes stick, taking a big leap like this/completely starting over was in some ways an easier step for me. Ultimately though, I'm banking on this big change leading to small changes in the day-to-day too, as our lives are the sum of the small decisions we make everyday. 

7. There is so much life to be had in letting go of control. That is where life is - out in the deep waters, amongst the unknowns of the big waves. Society tells us that we should pursue, security, comfort, and control. But discomfort and change are necessary for growth. Looking back at my own life, it has typically been the seasons of trial, struggle, and suffering that have led to the most growth and development. I firmly believe that we were not made for comfort and that struggle and suffering can be life giving if we are able to accept them with grace. If we can trust that God will provide, we can live so freely and fully without any material security. God will surprise us with how lavishly he provides (more on this in my next post). 

Ok, that's enough flowery words and philosophy from me. I'm tired of re-reading my own thoughts at this point, so kudos to you if you made it this far. Ending on a lighter note, here are some photos from my final stop in Jacksonville, Jeremiah's Italian Ice (which boasts a shockingly good birthday cake Italian ice). 

Motorcycle enthusiasts and future adventurers, James and Joey (John and April's two youngest kids). James is a big fan of matchbox cars and LEGOs, while Joey successfully dodged a tonsillectomy this morning by swallowing a piece of candy before his mom could stop him. Despite not getting his tonsils out as planned, Joey still managed to get ice cream - this kid's playing 4D chess while the rest of us are playing checkers. 

Seriously - let me know your thoughts on life in the comments, 

Birthday-Cake-icecream-is-the-best  Kev